the "epilogue"

For a long time, I have felt disconnected to the land of my birth, Australia. Feeling as if I had a foot planted in two different lands. One in Cornwall, the land of my ancestors and one in this vast, sometimes forbidding land, Australia.

Cornwall, a land of my childhood stories.. where folklore had been woven with and between layers of a huge journey, taken by my great grandparents - William and Laura - to the land of my own journey, Australia. Reasons of their decisions were told and embellished over the years.. until I had to discover, for myself, the reason why. and this meant travelling to that country...England.. but most especially Cornwall.
I wanted to see for myself how my ancestors lived.. I wanted to discover their folklore and spiritual beliefs. I wanted to lay to rest those ghosts that often accompany me. Ghosts that i struggled with daily.

FROM MY JOURNAL NOTES

"I am beginning to believe that the reason for me being in England for such a long time, is that I needed to get to a point where I knew without a doubt that Australia is my home. that it pervades every part, every cell of my being. And that I am connected to the country, a connection that I never knew I had until I visited Cornwall [and realised that I didn't belong there....."

"Lands End - I felt as if I were part of the rocks. that there was no separation between my own body and that of the cliffs....It was a primitive connection, almost primal"........

"I was told by a true Cornish person [one who is born in Cornwall with ancestral links to the county].. that the Cornwall of old, the one I was seeking, has gone. traditional Cornish life being taken over by tourism.. "......

and this one at a time when I felt as if i were complaining all the time.. posting, at times caused angst for me.. whether or not to post.. but with Joe's encouragement, I continued to put my thoughts down and shared them...
"sometimes I feel as if what I write is misunderstood as complaining.. and i hesitate to put down my true feelings in fear of being judged.. but Joe continues to encourage me.. as do quite a few friends .. because this is my own journey, thoughts and feelings and not those of anyone else
I never want to sound ungrateful with the experiences I have had. I won't call it a holiday, because like I have said many times, it has been a pilgrimage more than a vacation. The experiences I have had, the things I have seen will be with me forever and I will always be grateful for that [it is said, that gratitude is only one step away from love].. but I will admit the last few weeks were very difficult for me.. because i was so homesick.. ...".....

"the Cornish tinners had a strong spirit. I am a descendant of that, like my Pa said, Cornish blood runs in my veins... I can use that strength and tenacity in my own life.. and THAT is the legacy that they handed down to me....".....

"....in this area of Cornwall, [Perranuthanoe] there is a strong presence of my family. And at times it is overwhelming and confusing. So many of them, where did they all go? why do we not know of each other. I look at people in the villages looking for a family resemblance, all the while knowing that I really don't want to meet any of them.".....

"what hurts also, is that all the names of the villages that I had read of on my family tree, the land that  my ancestors live and worked is not that now.. and that saddens me.. alot.. I am feeling such a sense of loss at the moment. A sense of loss that the Cornwall that I thought  I knew.. from those childhood stories.. is no longer.. and I feel a loss of self, in a way.. a grieving perhaps for the loss of who I thought I was...I must sit with this and allow the feelings...".....

"I sat and meditated at the Abbey [Glastonbury] and as time went on, I heard voices of men.. chanting? monks?.. this was not of this world.. but of another.. and I felt peace of soul.
Seeing the Chalice well bought tears to my eyes. such a connection here for me.. I only wish that the church at home held this same sacredness for me.. this is what I need. A deep spiritual connection to the Divine".....

"...looking back over the past few days, with the rain and my melancholy and emotions... i realize that I had started to think that I had wasted my time coming here.. but of course that is not right..when I first decided to make the trek to Cornwall, I knew that this was not going to be an ordinary holiday.. sunning and surfing.. no. It was going to be a pilgrimage for me, mostly. and sometimes, when I cannot do what I thought I must do.. I get frustrated... like spending time in shops instead of looking at ancestral grounds ......"

"Now that i have  completed this pilgrimage, I know that both my feet are firmly planted in Australia. That constant yearning has gone..to be replaced with one of settlement..within."....

My ancestry may be in Cornwall.. but that is past..

and now I can move forward in deep gratitude to those who left England, to make  new life in Australia for the future generations.

Did they know that this was the right decision?..

I hope so.

I now feel a connection so strongly to this vast land where I was born. With all its magnificent forms, with its ancient grounded-ness, its at times, forbidding aura and know now, that this is where my spiritual journey is.

this trip to Cornwall has helped me to discover what and where my own spirituality is.. where it lies. I come home with a strong faith of  my own. And hopefully a settling into that of my own rituals and ceremonies, without having to look without, constantly, for reassurance..

do I regret going? NO! not one bit, not one minute of the trip would I change.. not even the constant rain or the manic drivers.. it was ALL a part of my experience. It was exactly as it should be.